Garrison’s Metaphysics

or I am Curious, George

by Garrison Somers

This Essay Rated CT
Credit / Blame Garry
Essay # 0000001
Last Edited 2007-11-06

What we have here is . . . a failure to communicate.

On the one hand, monkey see, monkey do. By implication, fools imitate. As we all know, imitation is the sincerest of flattery. And flattery will get you nowhere. Nowhere. With no good, there can be no evil. But wait! On the other non-opposable-thumbed hand, see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. And aren’t idle hands the devil’s playground? So the wise man builds his house upon a rock. And you may very well rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham, but a stone in the kidney is hard to pass up. Or down. Words to live by. Nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine monkeys. A: That and three dollars and eighty-five cents will get you a double-shot grande with whole milk, no foam. And you’ll have to sit on a stool. When you’re hot, you’re hot, and when you’re a monkey short, you get Belgium.

What is a hypothetical chimpanzee, anyway?

There are only chimpanzees and chimpanzee wannabes. And note: A chimpanzee should not be regarded as a monkey but as an ape. You can call it a monkey, right to its face, but don’t regard it as one. And don’t say anything about . . . shhh . . . prehensile tails (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

I mean, play hard but play fair. Obey the law of the pack, and all. OK, so here we go. Three to one, blast off.